The Honest Truth

Recently, my family suffered a loss.  My cousin-a bright, lively, energetic, 24 year old-passed away in a car accident.  I haven't talked to this cousin in I don't even know how long and I feel guilty about that.  At his service, his grandfather spoke of him with such pride.  About a week or so before he died, he called his grandpa and told him that he needed to make a new bucket list because he had finished the one he made.   I felt really bad because throughout the whole service I was sitting, listening, and just taking it in.  I did not cry or get teary eyed which took me by surprise and I felt insensitive.   How can I not cry? He was taken too soon.  He was the good one.  He had a great life.  He was living . I felt bad because everyone was crying for him and I couldn't.  Leaving the service, I went away with wanting to accomplish things on my bucket list-I had some ideas but I did not write anything down nor did I even know where to begin.  However, I bought tic

There are aspects of a new relationship that I have forgotten about. Things you have to talk about and get "over" is just crazy. For instance, how long until we spend the night together? How long until we start sleeping together? How long until we move in together? How long until we get married? It is scary because all of these things could be happening and they are what I have always wanted in my life. But, maybe that is the part that scares me? I always knew it wouldn't happen in my last relationship so I never really had to let myself think about it; at least not seriously.  It could happen now.  And I want it to, of course, but how is that thought not ABSOLUTELY terrifying? Is it normal to be so scared? I mean, a part of me feels the trembles and chills and the thoughts are in my head of "what if we do  move forward and it doesn't work?"; but that is the pessimist in me. Then a different part of me really wants it.  When I'm playing baseb

This is the last post about you. I used to be a very optimistic person when it came to love. I would plan my future and life with such hope.  Now, I find myself using "if" as oppose to "when." And I am so mad at you for that.  I want to be able to love fully again because that is one of my best qualities.  I am so mad at you for taking that away from me! How dare you! You thought that way and now I am that way?!! How is that even fair? I miss the old me; the one that had such high regard for love and the future.  I hope that one day I will be able to see her again. Because she was great.

In this photo series, I was hoping I would eventually find growth and closure.  I feel like a lot has happened for me personally and the fact that I had to go through these things without you, on my own, makes me feel like I can do a lot more than I thought I was capable of. So, to everyone who asked how I was doing and to all the people that want to know (for whatever internal reason you have), here is how I was. Eventually the photos became less and less. I guess I stopped needing that from you, whatever I felt like I needed. I have another picture, one that I took just a few minutes ago.  But, there are some things I still want to keep private for now.  So until then, thank you for everything you taught me and for the growing and learning I did with you. I have learned a lot about myself since our separation and I am a much stronger person now.  I wish you nothing but happiness, I truly do.  All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  All I still  want, is for you to be happy.

Why can't I be a woman who is strong and independent but also a woman who wants to be with someone? Wanting companionship doesn't make me any less weak; I have done a lot for myself and while I enjoy my time alone, I want someone to share my life with, too.  This doesn't mean I am going to find someone tomorrow, it just means I am in no rush and am open to it.  When I do find my person, I want to be perceived as a strong and independent woman, who just so happens to also have a man.

I have never met a more interesting group of friends.  This group of friends is nontraditional, in the sense that yes they do talk the trash and give each other shit, but they don't lift each other up or make each other be better people.  No one is held accountable; it's always someone else fault. I dated a guy and he did NOT do his part to get his friend group to like me (I know this so it isn't like he is going unblamed here-this post just isn't about him); they were nice to my face but behind my back they said a lot of mean things about me.  I am nowhere near perfect and there were a lot of things that I needed to work on in the relationship that I had, but overall, I think that I was able to lift my ex higher and to push him to be a better, more independent person (but that is just my opinion). I am writing this in the hopes that you guys do read this and maybe have insight into a different perspective.  You all had very unrealistic expectations of what I sho

You know whats annoying? When people say I haven’t heard from you in awhile. I went to see my stepdad for fathers day and my stepmom was there and she was saying that I haven’t reached out since I moved out in March-but it was said in a really snarky way.  Mind you, I have reached out and have asked to see my stepdad but he said he is always busy and will get back to me. Well the phone goes two ways-you haven’t reached out to me either. I think it is a little rude and hypocritical for someone to say that I haven’t done my part to maintain a relationship when I did with the person I was closest too.  Because that does not include you does not mean that I am not staying connected or reaching out. The thing with relationships is that I don’t need random people in my life; if you are not making a positive impact on my life or my happiness then why should I feel like I owe you anything?  Yes I know you and just because you are connected to someone I care about I

                                                    This year has been absolutely crazy, personally and work-wise.  I feel like I barely made it by and on most days I wanted to just stay in bed all day.  But here I am, at work at 9:29 am on my last day before summer break and I am writing here.  I am filling out progress reports and writing letters to parents about the kiddos that are leaving to kindergarten. I feel like a failure.  A lot of my kiddos didn't meet their goals this progress report and that is killing me.  I can do my best to justify why that was but when it comes down to it I was unable to support my kids like I wanted to.  I was very busy testing kids for about every day for the last two months which did not leave me time to work on the goals that I wrote for my kids.  I expected my staff to take the slack (especially since I told them that that was the expectation) and assist with my shortcomings. I was left to scramble for the last two weeks of school to work on

Life isn't always on a timeline but I am very much a planner.  While there are some things that haven't happened in my life that I feel like should, a lot of other things have.  I went to school, I graduated, I got my credential, I finished my masters, I bought a car, and I bought a condo. I have had this plan for awhile and to be honest, now that I have accomplished it, I feel kind of like "now what."  I am waiting for the next thing that I want to accomplish in order to start planning and setting short term goals to accomplish it-whatever IT is. I am happy to own a home and am so excited and am ready for this next chapter of my life.  Who is going to come visit since all my money will be going into this home??😊

I did a salsa and bachata class tonight and it was so interested and fun and scary. I was completely out of my element and didn’t know what I was doing. I always thought I could get by with dancing but this made me want to get better and try something different. This guy asks me to dance and I remember him from practicing and he was good.  He then tells me to do a head roll and my face just went blank "I don't know what that is..." Luckily he was super nice and showed me; needless to say, when the song was over, he didn't ask for another dance (haha).  I feel like every once in awhile it is good to go out of your way and step out of your element.  We can't grow as people if we stay in the same box that we were given.  What can we accomplish that way?  Ahhh-skkuurrttt to a different topic: I have met very few people who are down to go out of what they're used to and do something completely different but this chick here is a ride or die, like for real. She

Breakups are hard-it comes in waves.  Thats what I tell anyone who asks me.  I am still learning how to deal with not having that someone there all the time-someone who has been there since I was 17.  For me, it comes in parts, though.  The first is not having my best friend; I told you everything and you could always make me laugh-we could do nothing or we could do something.  The second part is that you didnt pick me.  I am having to tell myself that I am  good enough, that it wasn't my fault. I dream about you.  A lot.  I feel like when that happens, it is a setback for me.  I am doing great-not talking to you and sometimes not thinking of you.  But then you pop up in my subconscious-how can I even control that? It is really hard to be so vulnerable to a population of people who: 1) are strangers, 2) I haven't talked to or heard from in forever, 3) who know you AND me, 4) are nosy bitches and just want all the chisme. To be honest, I wrote this post daayyyss ago

The longest I have been in love is 10 years. The love of my life is 10 years old.  Now, I have three nieces total, and one nephew but my youngest niece is the one who I’ve loved the longest. I like I have to teach her things in life that society has imposed on her that she should or should not do. For example, we will randomly dance in the middle of anywhere we are and even though I am embarrassed I will never let her know because I want her to feel like she can dance wherever and whenever she wants without feeling judged. One of the things I would like to pride myself in his teaching her to be comfortable in her own shoes. She has a mother and a father and step parents who I am sure help with this self confidence that she has, but if I can help out in anyway then I will. I want her to know that she is not just beautiful but she is smart and she is capable and she can do whatever she wants and she can dance wherever she wants if that is what she wants.  A lot of the time we are

Last night I saw Avengers: Endgame.  I wont say anything else because spoilers. Anyways, I ate tacos and had ice cream and it was fun; it is nice to just not think about work and the 1 million things I still have to do but just enjoy myself.  Surprisingly it is a lot harder to write about the things going well in my life, maybe that is because I view myself as more pessimistic so the negative is easier? But I will do my best to convey that yesterday was fun, and yummy, and what I needed. (Side note: I cant remember what happened or what was said but I thought of you; I guess I am not as over it as I thought.. .that is a post for another day though 😉)

I recently volunteered to work on my schools yearbook-had a week to finish and pretty much nothing was done; we needed more pictures, we needed to add backgrounds, we needed to get it approved, and everything else. Clearly, my face says I am not takin this shit, but I volunteered so whatcha gonna do?!?  Completing this yearbook took so many hours of time that I didn't really want to expend on the project but I committed so I had to finish-plus my OCD kicked in gear and I had to make sure everything was even and all the students and staff were aligned.   Monday: worked 2 hours after work Tuesday: worked 3 hours after work Wednesday: worked 2-3 hours (I don't remember) Thursday: worked 7 hours after work Friday: took a break from working on it &&& had a mental breakdown As a teacher, there are certain expectations and things that HAVE TO GET DONE and some people don't really understand what that entails.  I can only speak for my classroom so ta

I posted this picture for a reason.  When I looked back, I immediately thought "wow, look at my stomach-its flabby" and I never thought I could post it.  It took a lot for me to do because being thin/fit/flat is pushed so much in my face that if I am anything BUT that, then it is not enough.  Why am I being taught this though? I don't get why having some extra fat to love is bad? Now, I am not saying I am fat, but I am not fit/in shape/toned-I have cellulite and all that fun TYPICAL stuff but I am not one to post images of me looking unflattering.   But who said this was an unflattering photo?  Society. The whole reason for this blog is to rethink how I see myself but also, how the world sees me.  I don't really have anything to prove to anyone but if I can change the way my nieces view themselves then I say I did a good thing.  I would like to continue to work on myself; continue to learn to love everything that makes me, me: -My resting bitch face -My quick

The purpose of this blog was to be completely honest about my life and how I am feeling. In this day and age, it is so typically for people to see how one would like to share their lives-as portrayed by social media.  Everyone is always happy, doing great things, vacationing in awesome spots, being their best self emotionally and physically. But guess what, that isn't MY life.  I am happy.  I am sad.  Some days I watch TV in bed and never get out of my pajamas.  On other days, I got out, I get drunk, I have fun, I go on an airplane ride to Athens, Greece.  But that life isn't every day.  My goal is to normalize typically life happenings because while life happens, I promise it isn't as glamorous as everyone is portraying it to be. So here you go, for everyone interested in reading about my life I invite you to take this journey with me-it will be raw, I will be completely honest and that includes hurting some feelings along the way, so I apologize in advance.  I hope