Blooming.


There are aspects of a new relationship that I have forgotten about.

Things you have to talk about and get "over" is just crazy. For instance, how long until we spend the night together? How long until we start sleeping together? How long until we move in together? How long until we get married?

It is scary because all of these things could be happening and they are what I have always wanted in my life. But, maybe that is the part that scares me? I always knew it wouldn't happen in my last relationship so I never really had to let myself think about it; at least not seriously.  It could happen now.  And I want it to, of course, but how is that thought not ABSOLUTELY terrifying? Is it normal to be so scared?

I mean, a part of me feels the trembles and chills and the thoughts are in my head of "what if we do move forward and it doesn't work?"; but that is the pessimist in me.

Then a different part of me really wants it.  When I'm playing baseball and I see how everyone gets to play and interact and how they play with my dog.  When you hold my hand while you drive. When you cuddle me at night. How you tell me sweet nothings, and sweet somethings, that give me butterflies.  When you make me try things I am uncomfortable with.  It IS everything I want.

But when? The other scary thing is the judgement that I would get from everyone.  My family is judgey.  I already know that.  So if I wait too long or if it happens too soon what will they say?  Why does it matter what they say?  Cause it's them and it does.

Im not sure how this one will end.  But I am happy so that is something.  And that is all that matters.

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