The Honest Truth

This post is about standing up for yourself.  I am a woman so if I say something I am automatically assumed to be a bitch if I do not agree or if I am not complacent.  I worked with someone who made me lose my shit.  Legit, I was going to quit because the toxic energy she emitted as well as all of the lies and bullshit. This person was inferior to me in regards to position; I would give directions and explain how things are to be done and it was just blatant disregard for what I said.  I am going to give facts-not any of how I felt about her.  She would lie to my face and she treat the children differently.  She seemed unwilling to learn (and I say unwilling because she just did not agree with my teaching style so she would not do it; maybe under someone elses direction she would have been more open).  She told my principal that I was abusing the children in my care-a downright lie and something like this could really ruin the career I worked so hard f...

I think one of the hardest things for me about this new distance learning is that I cannot physically do anything about it.  A lot of people complain about the fact that  they are working more hours or that they don't know how to do it-like any of us really do.  But for me, it is about my kids.  If my kids are regressing (which they are), then I have to just sit.  If they are making gains (which few are), I have to sit. If parents are doing nothing with their child (because they are tired, or cant, or dont know how, or dont want to), I just have to sit.  I just have to sit. I reach out to parents and some dont want anything-they have flat out told me-NO, not interested. These are my kids too; you gave birth to them and raised them up until this point but I love them too. I want the best for them too! I want to see my kids and I want them all to succeed.  And I know that I can do more in order to ensure that. But I cant do it alone. I do not ...

I am not saying that my exhaustion is MORE THAN yours, but why can’t I want to lay in bed after my day as well? It bothers me when people say “try having a kid” or “youre this/that?! You don’t even have a kid” You’re right. I don’t. I don’t want one (yet) and you shouldn’t be making me feel like my feelings aren’t valid just because I am choosing not to have a child. I can be tired because I was woken up at 8; it’s still tired. I can be lazy and just want to watch Tv because I spent 5 hours playing fetch in the hot sun with my dog. I can complain about the price of dog food and vet bills because her food is $90/bag-sure it isn’t diapers but it’s still an expense. I shouldn’t have to feel invalidated because I do not want a child. I still like my sleep. I still like my vacations. I still like being carefree and not having that responsibility. That is MY choice.   And that is 100% okay.

I am the first person to own something in my immediate family (my dad did but he doesn’t anymore so I don’t feel like that counts). No one tells you anything about dealing with HOA or downstairs neighbors. I think the hardest part for my right now is trying to balance owning my home and setting aside money for fun stuff. I do not want to be house poor and not be able to do anything fun in my free time. Lately it’s just bill after bill after bill and it sucks. And I HATE it when people say “that’s being a home owner!” How about you put the shut to the up and give me some useful information. I have recently been feeling a lot of pressure in two aspects of my life: my savings and my physique. I used to have a nice little amount of money saved aside for emergencies and I’m feeling very disappointed with how much I have now because expenses have piled up for various home owner things. I want to be able to have a cushion and save a certain amount and that is partially who I am...

Recently, my family suffered a loss.  My cousin-a bright, lively, energetic, 24 year old-passed away in a car accident.  I haven't talked to this cousin in I don't even know how long and I feel guilty about that.  At his service, his grandfather spoke of him with such pride.  About a week or so before he died, he called his grandpa and told him that he needed to make a new bucket list because he had finished the one he made.   I felt really bad because throughout the whole service I was sitting, listening, and just taking it in.  I did not cry or get teary eyed which took me by surprise and I felt insensitive.   How can I not cry? He was taken too soon.  He was the good one.  He had a great life.  He was living . I felt bad because everyone was crying for him and I couldn't.  Leaving the service, I went away with wanting to accomplish things on my bucket list-I had some ideas but I did not write anything down nor did I even k...

There are aspects of a new relationship that I have forgotten about. Things you have to talk about and get "over" is just crazy. For instance, how long until we spend the night together? How long until we start sleeping together? How long until we move in together? How long until we get married? It is scary because all of these things could be happening and they are what I have always wanted in my life. But, maybe that is the part that scares me? I always knew it wouldn't happen in my last relationship so I never really had to let myself think about it; at least not seriously.  It could happen now.  And I want it to, of course, but how is that thought not ABSOLUTELY terrifying? Is it normal to be so scared? I mean, a part of me feels the trembles and chills and the thoughts are in my head of "what if we do  move forward and it doesn't work?"; but that is the pessimist in me. Then a different part of me really wants it.  When I'm playing baseb...

This is the last post about you. I used to be a very optimistic person when it came to love. I would plan my future and life with such hope.  Now, I find myself using "if" as oppose to "when." And I am so mad at you for that.  I want to be able to love fully again because that is one of my best qualities.  I am so mad at you for taking that away from me! How dare you! You thought that way and now I am that way?!! How is that even fair? I miss the old me; the one that had such high regard for love and the future.  I hope that one day I will be able to see her again. Because she was great.