NICU Parents

    I had my third baby a few weeks ago.  He was healthy but needed a little bit of help and was taken to the NICU.  A CPAP machine was put on him to help his lungs; I remember the anesthesiologist telling me that he was working too hard to breathe (he did a really good job of keeping me updated with everything that was going on).  I got a quick hello with the baby and then he was taken away.  It felt surreal and I dont think it really hit me that he was there until later in the day-when I got to my room and I was there alone.  I got wheeled to the NICU for about 5-10 minutes and then was taken up to the room where I would stay as long as I could until I had to be discharged.  

    I was not allowed to see my baby until I could walk by myself.  I was told that the nurses in the NICU are great with the babies but their concern is not with the parents so I needed to make sure I could take general care of myself.  I was determined to walk because as the hours went by it just seemed so strange to have gone through all of this and not have a baby.  Mattias was delivered at 11:15 am and I finally got to see him at 8:30 pm.  My husband was not allowed to hold him at all so when I got there I was not expecting to be able to hold him either.  The nurse was so sweet and asked if I wanted to hold him, I got extremely excited and started to tear.  My sister was with me and we both had to think of something funny so we wouldnt cry (looking back, there is nothing wrong with crying I just didnt want to).  I got to see my baby and it was so nice, he was so tiny and still not really clean.  

First time holding Mattias

    My time in the NICU was short-8 days.  There were babies who came for only 1 day and released and babies who were staying for months and getting a different type of therapies.  Throughout my stay, I had so many mixed emotions; some I can blame on the postpartum hormones but the majority of it is that being a NICU parent comes with so many unknowns.  While I was there, I would see the baby for about 2 hours at a time and then head back upstairs to go to sleep.  

    I felt guilty I was taking the time to rest; I would feel bad going to sleep while my baby was in the NICU alone.  My mom and sister stayed with him the first two nights so I could sleep but then it was just me and him and it was the worst feeling.  There was absolutely nothing I could do to help him and I couldnt even be there for him. I felt guilty that I was only there with him for 1-3 hours at a time.  How could I leave him and let someone else be there for him? Or maybe they werent there-he would cry and would they be able to go to him right away? Being in that room, it was one nurse for three babies-changing, feeding, holding, and attending to their every need.  If he was at least in the same room as me, I could hold him all the time or just be with him.  But when he is down there, I had to do a lot more.  I was walking a lot and doing that post c-section is a bit of work.  A mom is supposed to rest to be able to completely recover and I couldn't do that-I never did but I was hoping I could this time. 

    I broke down in the car when I finally got discharged.  I was so excited the whole day to see my other two babies that it did not hit me that I would be leaving my youngest in a few hours.  I left and drove away from him and I spent nights away from him.  I would see him for about four hour stretches when I had someone to watch my two bigger guys.  Martin and I would then go again at night after our boys went to sleep to see him while my mother in law stayed at our house.  It was so exhausted but it was not really like I was losing any extra sleep since I was already waking up to pump and take medicine while I was in the hospital.  When at home, it was normal and there would be times I would forget about Mattias (geez, another thing to feel guilty about).  Then, we would do the bedtime routine and go back to see him-business as usual.

    Next: I felt guilty that I left my two children at home-there was a day or two that I did not see them.  I havent spent nights away from them (only to deliver my second child) and they needed me.  They cried for me and I was not there for them. How can I leave them with other people for a chunk of the day and not be the one taking care of them? One side of me was so happy that I was able to. be discharged later and the other half was so sad that I was not taking care of my other two children-especially when there was really nothing I could do in the hospital for Mattias.  I was not there to see them when the woke up, play with them, make them their meals, take them to their extracurricular activities, or do anything that they needed from me.  

    Lastly, I felt guilty (and relieved) that Mattias wasnt "that bad"--other people have it a lot worse.  My baby needed help for about two days with his breathing and then he was good.  Sure he had difficulty with feeding but that is really common for most newborns.  Mattias started in C pod; there are four different pods with D pod being the most needy (intubated, Xrays, etc.) and A pod being least needy.  He eventually moved to A pod and did well and we were discharged.  But even in A pod, there were children who were getting hydrotherapy or had social workers come.  A little girl next to us was only three pounds and the parents were happy she finally was up to four; they were hoping to get her home the first week of December hope she can go home soon.  My child did not need much and I was personally grateful and so relived.  But what about the other families that are here for longer than eight days? What about their children? Or maybe what if their children do not make it?  How can I feel sorry for myself and my situation when other people have it so much worse?

    We had so many amazing nurses taking care of Mattias.  They shared information about their lives so it made it seem like making new friends-which was a nice break from having to think about where we were and our situation.  I only had one nurse who fought me on a few things (which I did fill out the survey about her) but overall, everyone was so nice and seemed like they genuinely were trying to help my baby get out as quickly as possible.  I am so grateful for those who helped him throughout his entire stay.  It didnt make me feel good leaving but those that worked with him did know what they were doing so it was slightly reassuring,

Finally going home

    When we did finally get to take him home, it was surreal. We had hoped he would come home every day but when they day was there-we were ecstatic.  We had the carseat in the car for a few days but when we got there on that Friday, we found out he was moved to a different bed.  We were a little concerned at first but when we were checking in the receptionist said it was a good sign since he was closer to the door-meaning he would be leaving (but we did not believe it since we were hopeful for the whole week).  When we sat down we were introduced to his nurse and then shortly after, they came for his hearing test-which we were told is one of the things that happens the day of discharge.  The doctor came shortly after and told us that we were leaving-we were so excited it was crazy.  Martin ran to the car to install the carseat and we fed him again before we left.  

    Again, we are so grateful for everyone who helped him.  Even now, I still feel all of these emotions and it seems so far away-like a lifetime ago (of course now that we are adjusting).  We are loving our little love bug.  

I have another post specific about delivery but that will be for another day-it took me about a week to write this post.