Dads.
Studies have shown negative effects on girls/women when there is paternal absence and/or disengagement while growing up. I have had abandonment and that has made me have trust issues, specifically with men. I know my past relationships have suffered from this but, I have stayed with people who are unfaithful because I crave that desire to be loved. It is difficult because at the time, I did not know that I could go somewhere else-or rather I knew, but when you love someone with your whole heart it is really difficult to leave. I have noticed lack of judgement in my relationships and I believe this is because I have trouble with my self-worth. (Side bar: even to this day, I am working on it. I tell my son "Mommy is beautiful" so that I can teach him how women should be treated and called, but I cannot say that I believe it all the time-maybe a post for another day). I love with my whole heart, and anyone who I do love should be so lucky. That being said, I have allowed boys and men to have their wants and needs surpass my own. I lose myself in making them happy and doing what I can to make them stick around that I forget what I need to be happy. I have many examples, but I remember I had a journal of things I appreciated my boyfriend did-the goal was to write 1 thing a day and then look back and be grateful and remember that someone was so thoughtful even during a fight. Some of these things were really nice, and others...I just cannot fathom what I was thinking.
I was lucky enough to have Joe in my life. Sure, he was not perfect and had a crazy short temper, but he was always there. He loved us to the best that he could-he was young and came into a relationship with a woman who had 2 young children and pregnant with another. But he stuck around for awhile. I remember he did take me on trips and showed an interest in me, but showed an interest when MY interest was HIS interest (BMX Racing). I was unable to hang with that crowd because, at the time, I cared more about what the boys thought about my hair.
Joe was there until I was 15 and then, he wasn't. I was able to reconnect with him after a few years but that still causes some damage. I always thought Joe would be there; he took me to my games, he was the one at the house all the time, and he was just there-we did, and do, have a special relationship. But he was not happy and he left. When he left, he did not speak to me for almost a year. He did not call or text, he did not wish me happy birthday, he did not come to my senior night for basketball. It hurt. He started dating someone and I saw him maybe 1-3 times. Then he dated someone else; she has seemed better for him and they have since remarried. It does not change the fact that he left and didn't call. Say what you will but I was only 15.
Maybe my step-siblings saw a different version of my dad then I did; He wasn't there much; I know his work schedule didn't allow him to come to all my games, but he did not come to much. He wasn't there. That is as simple as I can put it. I remember going to his house every week and it was boring; not every time, but it was. We would often play with the neighbor girl or when we moved to Bonita, my step-brother would swim with us. But then my sisters stopped going, and I still came. I dont remember a lot of my time with my dad. I know I liked my step-mom and wanted to hang out with her more often, but with my dad not much,
I have had conversations with my dad about how I do not feel included and how there have been times when I feel left out. It seems good but then nothing changes. For example, when I was first starting as an ABA therapist I had a client who I saw on certain days at certain times. My step brother was graduating from Long Beach and they were leaving at 11:00 am to drive up. I was able to switch my schedule around and get off early, by 11:00. I was only about 15 minutes away from their house and they left without me. I was really hurt and sad. But then, they had the audacity to call me at midnight saying their car broke down and needed me to pick them up in San Clemente, drop them off in Chula Vista, then drive back. But I am not a bad person, like they had acted that morning, and I picked them up. Stupid and petty things like this happen all the time with my dad and step-mom, even to this day. Then when I say something my words are twisted and it is made to be my fault. We went to dinner with them about 2-3 weeks ago and we had finished eating but we are talking and catching up, since we havent seen them in awhile. About 1.5 hours into it, my step mom says "okay, are you ready?" and then my dad starts asking "are you babysitting? Do you need to leave?" and just asks if she has to go. To which she responds "no" but then we all leave. She was "perturbed" because our plans for the day got ruined due to some last minute stuff on my part that I had no control over; the purpose of the meeting was to just tell me that what I did was wrong and that she was annoyed-once she said her peace she was ready to leave. Again, this is all my take on it; maybe she was tired or maybe something else that I am unaware of happened. But I dont see my dad often and I was enjoying his company and the efforts he was making to bond with my son-who really does not know him.
It is hard because I love my dad and I know he loves me. I want him involved in my life and my family's life but they always make it so hard. And keeping it up is exhausting. I yearn for love from my dad and his absence in my younger years, and throughout my life, is the reason. I wish I was able to say that I did not want it and I was strong enough to just let it, and him, go; but I want that, I have always wanted that. And to a large extent-I want that from all of my family members. I want their approval and acceptance. I am working on figuring out what I want in my life and for my life. It is a really long road and I dont know where next week will lead or how I will feel. But I am doing my best for me and Mateo.
It is funny because I started writing this maybe a week or two ago, actually longer but putting some depth into it about a week or two ago. Then things happened and as I come back a few days later the viewpoint I started with has changed. I dont even remember where I was going when I started writing this-I think I was going to try and be more harsh and slam them for the hurt and pain they caused. I still want to do that because what they did and how they made me feel was NOT okay. But at the end of the day, I still love them. I think maybe that was the point I was making; sometimes people can hurt you and continue to hurt you but because of your past, you still love them and you still want them there. I can say, Joe has been great since I have gotten older and we reconnected. He has had his own trauma to deal with but he is involved and is still helping me out. My dad, well that is another story. I think he has a lot going on. I like to have theories because then maybe it wont hurt me as long when he messes up again; but my current theory is that he saw how his first marriage failed-maybe he did not put her first as he should have, along with other reasons for why they didnt work-but he does not want to do that again. So, he is putting all of his time, energy, and effort into his new marriage so he does not make that mistake again. He has told us multiple times that his wife comes before his children; he has made it clear and we know that and feel it. He is doing everything he can to make this marriage work so he does not have another failed marriage.
Dads are funny. The affects that they can have, especially on their daughters, is an interesting one. Mine were not as involved and left. That sure as hell plays a role in where my life is now.
I know many reading this will be angry because I had Joe, and I had my dad...but the thing is, they were there, but they weren't. I KNOW them, sure, but they did still leave me. I am not here to say how they left is any better or worse then someone who NEVER met their dad. I am here to say that I am affected, too.
The pain is still there and it still hurts.
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