Love, me.

A goal that I have for the next year, at least, is to learn to be nicer to myself and my thinking.  I already know that this is going to be extremely hard.  I am very set in my ways and I am an extremely harsh critic of myself which makes something like this difficult.  I love myself, sure.  But what I am saying is that I need to forgive myself-when things mess up, when work stuff happens, when life stuff happens.  Bottom line: things happen and I need to be more caring to myself.  I need to have some more self-reflection about things and realize that sometimes, shit does JUST happen.  
I am a planner.  Everyone who knows me KNOWS that I am a planner.  I like to be on time-this is a big one for me.  I RESPECT peoples time and when I say I will be there AT A TIME then I will be there AT THAT TIME.  I also expect that from people.  It does not bother me for everyone to do it but it bothers me when people close to me do it.  It makes me feel as though my time is not valued.  Whether or not that is the case, that is how I feel.  I never realized why I made this such a big deal in my relationships but after some therapy I found that I have trust issues.  I place high importance on things that people say and time, for some reason, is one of the main things that I focus on.  I am still debating if this is something that I should just let go, or if I should continue to value this.  You see, I feel like someone should stick with what they say, but I also know that sometimes that doesn't happen-and for those moments I am completely aware.  However, when it is a continuous thing then it is hard for me to let THAT go.
I am a planner.  That is part of my Type A personality.  Sometimes the day does not go as planned.  And that is okay.

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Different Types of Parents

Image
You may or may not know that I had another son. I have also been in therapy and I had to stop since it got a little expensive (isnt that funny that mental health isnt taken seriously? Thats a post for another day).  During this therapy I learned a lot even though it was a short amount of time. Grieving my fathe rs, mom was emotionally...unstable and had her own things to learn and work through, my family has some foggy boundaries and we do not (always) respect them, just to name a few.  I was angry at my mom for a little bit of this time but I have done some healing and got through that pain and how her trauma has affected her.   Anyways, back to the birth of my second child.  My mom was there; not in the room since it was a c-section, but she was waiting in the lobby.  My oldest sister joined her and she reassured my mom to go.  She left after my fiancee facetimed her so she could see me. It isn’t that my mom didn’t care to see the baby I just had; it’s that she cared more that I was
Read more

Cellular Myofibroma

Image
  My baby had a tumor.  He had surgery to get it removed and he is okay.  It was non-cancerous. I just thought I should get all of that info out of the way because some people might just want that. Now, here is the story: Around late December 2023, Abuela noticed that Martin Julian had a bump on his chest above his right nipple.  I sent the doctor a picture late that night and said it was not something I noticed before.  We got an appointment 2-3 days later.  He then referred us to get an ultrasound and this took about two weeks to schedule.  At the appointment with our pediatrician the next day, he said that radiology said it looked like a nerve sheath tumor (which is not good).  I remember hearing him say this but it did not register until I was leaving the hospital. Even when Dr. Reed said “treat him like the normal and healthy baby he is,” it did not hit me that he was anything different.  I googled what a nerve sheath tumor is and I was reading thinks like “malignant” and “neurofi
Read more

Dads.

Image
     Studies have shown negative effects on girls/women when there is paternal absence and/or disengagement while growing up. I have had abandonment and that has made me have trust issues, specifically with men. I know my past relationships have suffered from this but, I have stayed with people who are unfaithful because I crave that desire to be loved.  It is difficult because at the time, I did not know that I could go somewhere else-or rather I knew, but when you love someone with your whole heart it is really difficult to leave.  I have noticed lack of judgement in my relationships and I believe this is because I have trouble with my self-worth.  (Side bar: even to this day, I am working on it.  I tell my son "Mommy is beautiful" so that I can teach him how women should be treated and called, but I cannot say that I believe it all the time-maybe a post for another day).  I love with my whole heart, and anyone who I do love should be so lucky.  That being said, I have allo
Read more